dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My liver just broke up with me...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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