People in love make me want to vomit
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
