I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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