"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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