i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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