What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
