I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
