my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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