I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
