I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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