Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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