Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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