I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize