mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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