I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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