I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
