Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
