Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you would pick up someone in the library
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
