my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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