his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
