I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
