its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
