Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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