i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
