She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Two words: nipple clamps
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