Buhtt sex?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize