so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
