Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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