god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
