pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
