I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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