Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
