Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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