I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
