Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
