you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
