An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
