new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Found the puke drawer
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
