she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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