dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
