Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
