Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
