so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
