i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
