Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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