so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
