Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
