Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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