Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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