Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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