He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
