it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
