I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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