You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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