Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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