When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
