Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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