1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
