so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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